A long long time ago I used to reply to those annoying 419 Scam emails that would choke up my Gmail where supposed princes of Nigeria would offer to share their millions of dollars with me provided I...er...well I never actually read how I was supposed to help.
Instead I just made them jump through hoop after email hoop for my own amusement and their endless frustration - great fun.
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| You will regret emailing me.. |
Well once again I had an offer where some made up temple could make my dreams come true with spells aplenty...and the opportunity to cause a little grief was just too good to resist....
MEET THE PLAYERS
REX ENAFLEX (played by me) - Serial email pest based on a combination of a wannabe porn star and complete moron. Extremely good at forgetting to do things, getting your name wrong every time and stuffing things up royally. Name has been changed to stop scammers from tracking him down and sending him dead bits of goat or something.
FAKEY MCPRIEST FACE - (Probably stolen picture from somewhere.) Complete moron scammer desperate for money and will to jump through a hoops in the hope he'll get some money. Any money really as he doesn't the question Rex's need for a bigger appendage or the fact that Rex can never be counted on for doing anything correctly.
Comments in red are running commentary as the story progresses.
ON WITH THE SHOW!
So an email came in about some temple where dreams could come true once you paid some money someone cast a spell or some garbage. Never one to miss such a prime opportunity, good mate Rex jumped at the opportunity and over the last two weeks of email, here's what's been happening
Hi there,
I here you do magic? Could you do magic for me?
-Paul
Yes explain what exactly you want me to do for you with spell magic
Hello yes,
Thanks so much for your reply. It's my penis you see, I want it bigger. Is this possible?
-Paul
Yes is very possible once you provide me the following information below
your name
your picture
your age
your country
your occupation
Note that once this information is provide consider your problems solve.
Wonderful! Here are all the details you need:
your name: I am Rex Enaflex the 1st
your picture: Attached
your age: I am 36
your country: I live in Australia
your occupation: I hunt milfs for a living.
Please hurry, I don't think I can keep hunting milfs without this adequate weaponry I possess.
Regards
-Rex
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| What I attached... |
I figured he'd question the picture I'd attached but no...
I have receive all the information you have sent and I want you to
know for this to be done immediately there are some items needed to be
purchase in the market to cast the spell and it will cost you 100Usd
once I have the money consider your problem solve and your penis will
become bigger once I tell you what to do over there in your country.
Glory be, my knob will become bigger? Awesome!
Please explain what items you need with the $100 - you're not going to put a dead lizard on my ding-a-ling are you? I swore after I took that strange bird home in 98 that I wasn't going to do that again! My manhood is a reptile free zone! (There has been a couple of cows though hahahahahaha)
Cheers
-Rex
The items are:
1) Ofure sura
2) Oka dyin
3) Olomu hala
4) kakali stone
5) white hen
once I have the money to get the items immediately consider your penis
will be bigger after finish the spell and do what I will ask you to do
Hello grand wizard,
I'm sorry but I have no idea what the hell any of those new fangled things actually are. Olomu Hara? Never heard of it. Kakali Stone sounds like something I might need surgically removed and Oka Dyin sounds like the worst name for a Hip Hop artist the world has ever seen.
Where do you buy these things? (And what are they exactly?)
-Rex
Am going to buy then in a local market once I have the money immediately
Hello wizards sleeve,
Yes I know that you have to buy them, that's what you're planning to spend my hard earned $100 bill on. What I want to know is what are these exotic ingredients? I mean are they super rare? Am I going to have to drink a potion made up of unicorn ball sweat or something? I really want to know exactly how this bunch of bits and pieces is going to work?
Also how big will my lady slayer actually grow? I don't think you've ever explained that yet.
Cheers
-Rex
They are not super rare and you are going to drink from it once I
finish cast the spell I will email the things you need to do over
there and you are the one to mention how big you want once the spell
is cast okay
Hello boy wonder,
Wait..so I have to drink something that has a whole freakin white hen clucking around in it? Is this healthy? Mate I'll tell you now that the only think I enjoying drinking is blended celery and cinnamon for a taste sensation that nobody will ever forget - I don't think I'm really that keen to drink some blend of bongo bunga juice and oil of oyay or whatever rocks you're planning on throwing into it.
Can't you just sacrifice something, dance around with it's feet on your head and make my manhood grow to near impossible proportions that way?
About the size - when I can tuck it into my sock I think will be ample enough.
Cheers
-Paul
P.s Will my penis be ready for the weekend? It looks like there's a few prime opportunities coming up on Tinder.
your penis will ready immediately as soon as you send the money to get
the spell done.
Fair point,
Here I am talking about how my winkle will become the talking point of cocktail parties across the country and you're still waiting to get paid. Okay ghost who walks, how do I get my $100 over to you?
Also just a quick question, my penis won't turn a different colour will it? I don't think I could have a love wand as red as a beetroot.
Cheers
-Rex
Your penis will not turn different colour rather it will be bigger
once I finish cast the spell for you and here is the payment
information below you are to use in sending the money over
Western Union payment details below
Receiver's name: Odion Justus
Question: want do I want?
Answer: Good work
Receiver's country: Nigeria
City: Benin
And you will have to send to me the information in which you have
sent the money to enable me receive the money.
Sender's Name:
Sender's country:
Reference number (MTCN):
Test question:
Test answer;
Amount: $100
Hello Odion,
When I walked into the Western Union office an hour ago and filled out all the forms, they told me that they couldn't send it to you due to the security risk. Apparently they have a lot of scams coming out of Nigeria or Terrorists who do disgusting things with goats or something. So yeah, they won't let me send it through Western Union. I did think of showing my penis to the people behind the counter and explaining that you were going to do something to a chicken to make it bigger but I thought better of it.
They did suggest Moneygram though, they don't seem to care so much.
So do you have a Moneygram office over there in voodoo land that I can send it to?
-Paul
Yes you can send it through Money Gram with the same payment details below
Money Gram payment details below
Hello Odin,
Thanks so much for the email, I have just returned from my trip to Moneygram and I think it went well. I had to change a few of the details in the form so that they don't think I'm funding terrorism or goat sacrifice so I hope when you go in to collect the money everything ends up being okay
Receiver's name: Odin, father of Thor
Question: want do I want?
Answer: To work on Rex's penis
Receiver's country: Nigeria
City: Benin
And you will have to send to me the information in which you
have
sent the money to enable me receive the money.
Sender's Name: Paul P
Sender's country: Merica!
Reference number (MTCN): 5235648
Test question: Why are you receiving this money?
Test answer: It's all about the massive penis
Amount: $100
Anyway let me know how this goes and when you're ready to throw the Oooga Booga stones at the hen or whatever you're doing to make my member massive.
Regards
-Rex
MTCN numbers are 8 digits long. In true form, Rex leaves off one digit. Unless you notice this straight away, the only way you'll discover this is when you walk into a Moneygram office and try to claim the funds...
Okay i have receive the money information you sent down once i confirm
it in the morning i will let you know and one more question is the
money transfer control number (MTCN) is it seven digit number or eight
digit number check it and send it again
The money transfer control number (mtcn) you sent down is 7 digit
number instead of 8 digit number check the Mtcn and send it again to
enable me receive the money and do your work immediately
Send me the receipt you use in sending the money
I was unable to receive the money due to the Money transfer control
number (MTCN) is not complete check it and send it again, you send
7digit number instead of 8digit number.
We bet he looked like a right idiot trying to get some non existant money out of the office with a number one digit short..
Wiz,
Oh crap, sorry - I was a bit busy yesterday as we had this hilarious incident at work that I had to rush off and fix. I had given the phone book to the work experience kid and asked him to 'make six copies of this pronto!' and before you could say 'Stupid work experience kids' he was in the photocopy room chugging down some toner!
Anyway the stomach pump was successful and his pay has been docked for not meeting deadlines.
Anyway the missing control number you need is 7. Now please hurry up and cast this spell as my ham hammer needs a workout.
Cheers
-Paul
Okay send me the print out you use in making the payment for
verification to enable me receive the money and do your work
immediately
Merlin,
Print out? What print out? The woman behind the counter told me you had to walk into Moneygram and use the secret question and answer thing. Why are you stalling here, are you afraid my monkeywrench will get too big and block out the son or something?
Yeah I don't have no printout. I'm sure if you chat to your local Moneygram people they'll be able to help you get the $100.
Let me know how you go
-Paul
okay once I confirm the money I will let you know
Unable to receive the money am just coming from Money gram office now
because the reference number is not complete and you have to send me
the receipt they gave to you in money gram office to enable me check
if you made a mistake in the MTCN number
Hello Hogwarts,
What is going on there? I filled out the form correctly and didn't get a receipt, because I FILLED OUT THE FORM CORRECTLY. Seriously if the woman behind the counter at the time was a teacher, my books would be covered with gold stars, I was that good. Now you're telling me I have to go back?
Could you please take a picture of the Moneygram office you went to as proof that you are actually going to the place you say you are because something is a bit dodgy here - can you actually do magic? With all of this stuffing around I'm starting to wonder..
-Rex
You have to understand that the MTCN number they gave to you is not
complete and you have to go back there to collect the complete number
and send it to me to enable cast the spell for you okay.
Dear Snorlax,
I took your email back to Moneygram and after their initial confusion about you stalling, they finally told me that they think you're a scammer and that no, you can't make my massive member any more massive than it is already without some kind of balance problem.
They said if you really want to prove that you're not one of those Terrorist scammers, you need to send a picture of yourself holding up my name (so you don't steal a picture from the internet) and to prove that you are real.
So no more messing around Gygax, you need to prove who you are or no money for the honey!
-Rex
The confirmation you ask of is attach am not a scam okay
True to his word, he sends me what I ask for:
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| Scammer selfie |
True to my word, I throw a spanner in the works.
Hello Merlin,
Okay, I'm really confused here - YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE A MAGICIAN! Seriously, there is a serious lack of robes, wands, top hats, sprigs of mistletoe, beards down to your ankles, magic wands, doves, wingardium leviosas or ANYTHING!
Sorry but how am I supposed to even take you seriously when you don't look like a wizard?? I'm not sending any money to someone who says that they can cast a spell but can't even look the part.
No. Just no.
-Rex
Don't look at the physical body you saw what is inside me is greater
than what you see the only thing now is that you have to go and send
the money and leave the rest things for me to handle and for me to
send you what they require for that makes me real believe me I can
help solve any problems okay
Hello Priesty,
Look I can't trust you unless you're wearing a true magical kind of hat or head wear - I'm an expert on wizards you see as I once played Dungeons and Dragons and hit a goblin with wand+4. So please put on some kind of magical hat and so that you don't try to cheat me with some photoshop or a fake picture, please put a sign on the hat that says 'I can make your manhood massive'
This hat better be magical or I'm taking my spell money somewhere else.
-Rex
If you don't believe that I can help you solve your problem you are
free to contact another person by the time they eat your money and
nothing happen you will run back to me for help and if you want me to
help you solve your penis problem go and send the money so that I can
get the items to cast the spell for you and your wish will come
through this is 100% assurance
Merlo,
All I see here is BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH and not a single picture of you in a magical hat. For gods sake man, is that hard to do?
Less chat, more hat. Make with the hat Merlin and then I'll give you money. I have lots of it but I'm not willing to share it with you and your book of fate until you look like a proper wizard.
Snap to it, I'm waiting.
-Rex
It is only the oracle messenger picture that can be send to you
because he is the one that is going to receive the money but since you
insist I will send you my picture
This is the real Dr. Ehoohoo you want to see and the picture I send to
you before is the oracle messenger that is going to receive the money
so go and send the money so that I can do your work perfectly for you
Apparently this is the guy that's going to make my bits bigger:
Harry Potter,
Scuse the french but Parlevous WHAT THA F**K? You said you were going to do the dance of the biggus dickus and make my wang cannon sized - now you send me some pictures of a piss poor cosplay cleric?
What is going on here?
Are you some kind of dirty scam artist or something? I DON'T SEE NO MAGIC HAT!!!
Explain, now.
-Rex
If you are not ready to send the money let your problem kill you then
because you are the one having problem not me am only here to help you
I let him go for a couple of days before launching my final salvo..
Hello Hogwarts,
Can you believe this? I was just at the Moneygram office yesterday ready to send you the one hundred dollars like you asked when the woman behind the counter ask me what it was for - anyway I told her the story about how you were going to get some magic rocks or something and wave them around with a crappy looking cleric and mumble a few things to make my wang absolutely monsterous.
Anyway she told me that there was a guy over there called 'Mr Usman Bello' who could make my love wand so much bigger for only $20! $20! That's so much better than your $100!
Anyway I sent the money and a note explaining what I needed and wake me up with a balance problem, it worked! I seriously woke up this morning with the ability to tuck my love cannon into a sock!!
My annaconda is bloody huge!!! Wait til the lads at the polo club get a look at this behemoth!
Anyway I just wanted to send you a note to say thank you so much for being completely and utterly useless in anything and everything. You've completely wasted my time with your gibberish and I hope you quit the magic business soon because you're truly awful it.
I've got to go now, I have to go clean a few pools.
Regards
-Rex
Can't wait to see his reply...
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