Having a bad day? Some ass clown stole your car parking spot? Dropped your iPhone again? The boss is riding you at work and not in a fun 'dear Penthouse' type of way?
Hey I hear you.
Which is why I created my (patent pending) Almigo Trusted 5 Min Email Stress relief.
It's quick, easy to setup and best part is that it's
free.
Yeah my stress relief won't cost you a cent (unless you want to throw me some money or
buy my book or something, up to you)
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| Don't hurl your ancient crt monitor through the Autumn leaves, we can help! |
So before your next work request gives you the urge to pick up an office chair and hurl it at the sales team, take a deep breath and let's de-stress together shall we?
What you'll need
-A new free web based email account. Plenty to choose from here with the popular ones from
Gmail and
Yahoo.
-A completely made up name for your new email account that couldn't be further from your real name if it tried. You may be a rich as all hell CEO in real life and conduct business as a pure professional but with this name, let your creativity shine and if you want to be incredibly juvenile then now is your time to shine. Just make it look like it's a truly exotic name until you attempt to read it out live.)
(Seriously where in the world could you sign your emails with something like 'Farti Bhum', 'Masif Nutsach', 'Blowme Cheeply' or 'Dr Poopu'?'
-Five minutes to flex your creativity and get rid of stress (for a bit)
The steps
1. You know how you never venture into the spam section of your email? Well off there you go now because that's where the best emails you need will end. Basically you're looking for the offers of millions of dollars from Nigerian princes, people pretending to be military or government officials, dying windows and all that crap. Here's an example of one that turned up for me this morning from the so called Bank Of Africa:
Bank of America
From Desktop of Mr. Jeff Anderson
Our Ref: BOF-0XX2/987/20
E-mail:jeffa9257@gmail.com
It is my modest obligation to write you this letter as regards the Authorization of your owed payment through our most respected financial institution (Bank of America). I am Mr. Jeff Anderson, TRANSFER INSPECTION OFFICER, foreign operations Department Bank of America, the British Government in Conjunction with us government, World Bank, united Nations Organization on foreign Payment matters has empowered my bank after much consultation and consideration to handle all foreign payments and release them to their appropriate beneficiaries with the help of a Representative from Federal Reserve Bank of New York.
As the newly Appointed/Accredited International Paying Bank, We have been instructed by the world governing body together with the committee on international debt reconciliation department to release your overdue funds with immediate effect; with this exclusive vide transaction no.: wha/eur/202,password: 339331, pin code: 78569, having received these vital payment numbers, you are instantly qualified to receive and confirm your payment with us within the next 96hrs.
Be informed that we have verified your payment file as directed to us and your name is next on the list of our outstanding fund beneficiaries to receive their payment. Be advised that because of too many funds beneficiaries, you are entitled to receive the sum of $14.5M,(Fourteen Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars only), as to enable us pay other eligible beneficiaries.
To facilitate with the process of this transaction, please kindly re-confirm the following information below:
1) Your Full Name:
2) Your Full Address:
3) Your Contact Telephone and Fax No:
4) Your Profession, Age and Marital Status:
5) Any Valid Form of Your Identification/Driver's License:
6) Bank Name:
7) Bank Address:
8) Account Name:
9) Account Number:
10) Swift Code:
11) Routing Number:
As soon as we receive the above mentioned information, your payment will be processed and released to you without any further delay. This notification email should be your confidential property to avoid impersonators claiming your fund. You are required to provide the above information for your transfer to take place through Bank to Bank Transfer directly from Bank of America
We Look Forward To Serving You Better.
Mr. Jeff Anderson,
TRANSFER INSPECTION OFFICER
Bank of America
Anything that doesn't look similar to this? Emails with just a link and a whole bunch of gibberish and random words? Just get rid of it. It got caught in your spam for a reason.
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| Our league of idiots are standing by to read your creativity! |
2. Don't click on any of their dodgy links, just forward this rubbish to your new email. We're going to answer them from there. And when I mean answer, I mean unleash absolute hell.
3. Get their return email addresses out of the email and from your new account, go hog wild. Feeling angry? Blame them for it. A problem is someone else's fault? Blame them for it. Yell and scream, wish death and horrible things, swear like a drunken sailor and carry on with mad abandon (via email of course) for as long as it takes to calm down. Once you're good, hit send.
4. Sit back and enjoy the fact that you have just abused the hell out of someone who has been trying to fleece money out of innocent and naive people the world over. Don't feel bad for a second over the fact that someone you've never met has copped a super blast from your good self - these despicable scammers, con artists and thieves deserve everything they get and if your nasty email was the one that made them give up their life of crime, well don't you feel good now?
Get angry in a safe way
-Never use your real name in corresponding with these idiots.
-Never use your real email. This is why we've made a new email with a ridiculous name.
-Never click any of the links in their mail. God knows what dodgy thing will happen next.
-Whatever they say, ignore. It's a scam.
-If you actually get a reply? Feel free to unleash even more hell. They'll never know what hit them! It's important to de-stress you know!
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| Don't believe the hype. |
I was a bit stressed on Friday..
Someone did take my car park spot. The phones died right when I needed to make an important phone call. I was running around like a headless chicken with my to do list. I needed someone to yell at.
I found Captain Stephen's email in my normal Gmail, forwarded it to my new account and felt much better about myself after a mere five minutes creativity:
Dear Captain Stephen,
Thank you for your wonderful email, I am truly blessed to received such unwarranted and unrequested emails such as your kind offer. Under review, I have decided that I would highly enjoy doing business with you provided you could do me one small favor? It's a pretty simple one too so this won't take long.
Firstly I would like you to find a very busy bus stop over there in Nigeria and wait in line for the bus to arrive. Once it's there I would love for you to show your generosity by paying for everyone's ticket who happen to be boarding at the time. Everyone on board? Good, here comes the fun part. Take out your manhood and repeatedly slam the bus door on it a few times while bellowing the lyrics to Patti Smith's 'Because the night' for the bus's entertainment. I will understand if you miss your small pecker the first few times and trying to sync the lyrics to the blows on your old fella won't be easy but persistence is key. Once the passengers are tired of this gratuitously free entertainment, then I would like you to throw yourself in front of said bus for the good of mankind, you goat a$$ chewing pathetic excuse for a human being. Go to hell, go straight to hell and blow goats for eternity, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I look forward to you completely glossing over the middle bit and replying to me with a stock standard follow up letter as you poo stains usually do.
Kind regards
-(My new name)
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| That's debatable. |
(I'm still waiting to see if Stephen still wants to do business after all that..)
Go on, give it a go and see how much fun you can have yourself!
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